More Kids Jokes - Brought to you by those crazy people at the Church of the Nazarene Knowle Park Bristol!!!! We are not liable for any giggling that may cause stomach aches! a scream, absurd, amusing, antic, blithe, capricious, christian, church, clergy, clever, comic, comical, diverting, droll, entertaining, facetious, farcical, for grins, funny, gas, gelastic, good-humored, hilarious, humdinger, humorous, hysterical, jocose, jocular, joking, jolly, killing, knee-slapper, laughable, ludicrous, merry, mirthful, playful, priceless, rich, ridiculous, riot, riotous, risible, side-splitting, silly, slapstick, sportive, waggish, whimsical, witty jokes. Flipping Funny Flea Two
What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!
Who rode a dog and was a confederate general during the American Civil War?
Robert E Flea!
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
What do you call a cheerful flea?
A hop-timist!
What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?
Shot it!
What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
Shall we walk home or take a dog?
What did the romantic flea say?
I love you aw-flea!
How to fleas travel?
Itch hiking!
What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!
Why did the boy wear a turlte neck sweater?
To hide his flea collar!
Doctor Doctor Jokes Four Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 furlongs!
Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she's invisible!
What sister?
Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that's a lot of calories! (sarcasm)
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out!
Certainly, which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm invisible
Who said that?
Slimey Seaweed Sillies Three What do Scotsmen eat?
Tart'n'pie!
What is heavier, a full moon or a half moon?
The full moon because it's lighter!
What town in England makes terrible sandwiches?
Oldham!
What would you call theft in Peking?
A Chinese takeaway!
What animals are on legal documents?
Seals!
What did you get for christmas?
A mouthorgan, its the best present I've ever had.
Why?
My mum gives me extra pocket money every week not to play it!
Where do tadpoles change?
In a croakroom! Flea Funnies What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
What to you call a Russian flea?
A Moscow-ito!
What insect runs away from everything?
A flee!
What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
Bugs Bunny!
How do you start an insect race?
One, two, flea - go!
What do you call a cheerful flea?
A hop-timist!
What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!
What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
Shall we walk home or take a dog?
What did the romantic flea say?
I love you aw-flea!
Why did the stupid boy wear a turtleneck sweater?
To hide his flea collar!
How to fleas travel?
Itch hiking!
What is the difference between a flea bitten dog and a bored visitor?
Ones going to itch and the other is itching to go!
How do you find where a flea has bitten you?
Start from scratch!
What is a flea's favorite book?
The itch-hikers guide to the galaxy!
Two fleas where running across the top of a cereal packet?
"Why are we running so fast?" said one.
Because it says "Tear along the dotted line"
What do you call a flea that lives in an idiots ear?
A space invader!
What is the most faithful insect?
A flea, once they find someone they like they stick to them!
What is the difference between fleas and dogs?
Dogs can have fleas but fleas can't have dogs!
Doctor Doctor 3 Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!
Doctor 2 Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don't worry it's just a chain reaction!
Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad!
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy!
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a mosquito
Go away, sucker! Ants 1 Where do ants go for their holidays?
Frants!
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant!
What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
All sorts of antics!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater!
Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
To trip up the ants!
What is even bigger than an elephant?
A giant!
What do you call an ant in space?
Cosmonants & Astronants!
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Impartant!
What medicine would you give an ill ant?
Antibiotics!
What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
An ant's mouth! Church of the Nazarene Knowle Park Bristol BS4 2RD
| Monologue Mouse Musings
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them?
Mice Krispies!
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
What is a mouse's favorite record?
'Please cheese me'!
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer?
Mice cubes!
What's gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Who is king of all the mice?
Mouse Tse Tung!
Floppy Funny Fantastic Fish Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!
Where do little fishes go every morning?
To plaice school!
What fish goes up the river at 100mph?
A motor pike!
How could the dolphin afford to buy a house?
He prawned everything!
1st kipper: 'Smoking's bad for you'
2nd kipper: 'It's OK, I've been cured'
What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?
Skate!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsh!
What lives in the ocean, is grouchy and hates neighbours?
A hermit crab!
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
As far away as possible!
Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide! Curious Cackling Cat Cacophony What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Crispies
Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
It's meow-sic to their ears!
Why do cats eat fur balls?
Because they love a good gag!
Why does everyone love cats?
They're purr-fect!
What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
A sourpuss!
What do you call it when a cat bites?
Catnip!
What's every cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice!
What do you call it when a cat stops?
A paws!
What's a cat's second favorite food?
Spa-catti!
What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit!
What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?
Catsup!
Where do cats write down notes?
Scratch Paper!
What kind of cats lay around the house?
Car-pets!
How do cats buy things?
From a cat-alogue!
Bees 1
Bee jokes 01
Q: Who is the bees favorite singer?
A: Sting!
Q: Who is the bees favorite pop group?
A: The bee gees!
Q: What do you get if you cross a bee with a skunk?
A: An animal that stinks and stings!
Q: What does a queen bee do when she burps?
A: Issues a royal pardon!
Q: How does a queen bee get around her hive?
A: She's throne!
Q: What does the bee Santa Claus say?
A: Ho hum hum!
Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they've forgotten the words!
Q: What kind of bees hum and drop things?
A: A fumble bee!
Q: What did the bee say to the flower?
A: Hello honey!
Q: What's a bees favorite flower?
A: A bee-gonias!
Scaaaaaaarey Jokes 1
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!
A werewolf joke
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!
A witch joke
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!
A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
A cannibal joke
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!
A ghost joke
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid! School 1 What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!
What is the fruitiest lesson?
History, because it's full of dates!
What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!
Why did the learner racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!
What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!
What is a myth?
A female moth!
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!
Why did the knight run about shouting
for a tin opener?
He had a bee in his suit of armour!
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights! | One Heap of Farmyard Funnies Why did the bull rush?
Because it saw the cow slip!
What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
A battery hen!
What do you call an arctic cow?
An eskimoo!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick-layer!
How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
Build a sty-scraper!
Why does a rooster watch TV?
For hentertainment!
What do you get from a drunk chicken?
Scotch eggs!
What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers!
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
A bird that has to wring its own neck!
Excrutiatingly Entertaining Elephants What time is it when an elephant sits on the fence?
Time to fix the fence!
What's big, gray and flies straight up?
An elecopter!
What's gray, carries a bunch of flowers and cheers you up when your ill?
A get wellephant!
What's gray and goes round and round?
An elephant in a washing machine!
What's gray and highly dangerous?
An elephant with a machine gun!
What's big and gray and lives in a lake in Scotland?
The Loch Ness Elephant!
What's big and gray and has 16 wheels?
An elephant on roller skates!
Policeman: "One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle."
Zoo Keeper: "Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!"
Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!
How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
What's the difference between an elephant and a piece of paper?
You can't make a paper aeroplane out of an elephant!
What's the difference between an elephant and a banana?
Have you ever tried to peel an elephant?
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3,000 miles!
What's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry?
A gooseberry is green!
Teacher: " To which family does the elephant belong?"
Pupil: " I don't know, nobody I know owns one!"
How do you spell elephant?
E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t>
"That's not how the dictionary spells it"
"You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it!"
Teacher: "Name six wild animals"
Pupil: " Four elephants and two lions!"
What do elephants sing at Christmas?
Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants... Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus!
What's the difference between an injured elephant and bad weather?
One roars with pain and the other pours with rain!
What's gray and wrinkly and jumps every twenty seconds?
An elephant with hiccups!
What goes up slowly and comes down quickly?
An elephant in a lift!
What's as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
An elephant's shadow!
When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
When it's a baby elephant!
How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!
What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the chicken was having a day off!
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost!
Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up.
Knock Knock 1 Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days! BEARS 1 Q: What kind of money to polo bears use?
A: Ice lolly!
Q: Have you ever hunted bear?
A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!
Q: How do you start a teddy bear race?
A: Ready, teddy, go!
Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A: A bear faced lyre!
Q: Why do bears have fur coats?
A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!
Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A: A teddy boar!
Q: What should you call a bald teddy?
A: Fred bear!
Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!
Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!
Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
A: Winnie the Pooh! Doctor 1 Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil �till I get there
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up! |